Something that I told my mom a few weeks ago has really been prodding the back of my mind, so I thought I would talk about it here because it's about writing. We were talking about how mature of a teenager I am, and I told my mom that she probably wouldn't think that if she knew every thought that went through my head all day. Because, let's face it. On the inside, I'm just as stupid and reckless as any other teenager. The only difference is that my priorities are a little different, but I still think LIKE a teenager, just not about the same things as most other 17-year-old girls. And plus when I have an impulse to do something, there's usually something that physically prevents me from doing it, or I'm just too much of a coward. (What does that tell you about my thoughts?) And I told my mom that there's a filter on my mouth that blocks about 96% of what I want to say. Like I told my ex-boyfriend, I have a lot to say, it's just that none of it can make it past the filter. It reminds me of the Mark Twain quote that says "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt." Or something like that. I don't remember the exact quote, but you get the gist of it. And I've been saying it forever, but if someone read all of the stories I've written (and maybe even got a commentary from me about what's to come in unfinished works), they could get a better idea of what I'm like than my best friends have. You would literally know me inside and out. Luckily for me, though, nobody's ever going to get the chance to do that. But my point is, I have a filter somewhere between my brain and my mouth (probably somewhere in the nasal region) that blocks 96% of what I want to say. That's a lot of things I never get to say. So in order to keep from going crazy, all of my thoughts get poured into my writing, where they can be fictionalized and metaphorized and covered up so I know they're there, but the stories can (for the most part) be shown to the public. It's interesting when you think about it, because I've always taken great pride in this part of me that makes me stand out from my peers (my being shy), and now I've found a way to connect that to my other favorite part of myself (my writing ability). Since I discovered that, my writing life has been booming. I didn't even really realize that until I just typed it here, but something in my writing gene has been eating its Wheaties lately, and I couldn't really figure out why. I thought it might be because school is starting next week and my brain loves coming up with new ways to torture me, but now I really get it. It's like the realization of why I have my writing gift. Of course, I could be all wrong, but it's a good theory. It makes sense.

Anyway, this whole thing led me to thinking about the Promise Series. Those books are basically a biography of my 8th grade and high school life, both from the perspective of who I am and who I wish I was. But it's a biography nonetheless, so there are a lot of people who are in my life that are in these books, in one form or another. And even though I changed their names and some things about them, if people who read it knew me well enough and knew who I hang/hung out with, they could know who everyone is. I'm talking friends, ex-boyfriends, parents, siblings (well, sibLING), people from work, random people in general who I meet--anyone is fair game. So I was just thinking, my whole life in some way or another--including how I see the world--is represented in these books, so what if someone I know reads it and is like, "Hey, so-and-so character must be me. Wait--what do you mean Lucy thinks I'm obnoxious? I should go yell at Nicole!" I wouldn't care, really, but it would still be interesting. That's why I write under a penname, though. That way if someone I didn't like in middle school (someone who can actually read, of course) picks up this book called Some Kind of Miracle by Daqu and sees that Alana didn't like a certain character, their mind won't immediately jump to me. It's just some food for thought, though.

Oh, and here's another thing. I discovered about halfway through writing the last paragraph that the anonymity of the internet (even though most people who would ever read this know exactly who I am) decreases my filter from 96% to 42%, so take it or leave it.